I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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