she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream