How is your vagina???
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.