Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
