can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
