As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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