I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
