Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
