This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
