I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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