you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
