I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
