Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
