thus making me awesome and them whores
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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