Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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