i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
