Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
