I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
