my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
