I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
