Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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