I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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