At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
