I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
