Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.