my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
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Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
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Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.