Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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