I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
