shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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