So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
