i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
