Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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