you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
