i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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