I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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