Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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