I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize