New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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