I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
