Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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