Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
