Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
