Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
