the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
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I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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