Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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