My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
