I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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