So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
