the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
