We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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