Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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