Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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