The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
