And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
