Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
