I haven't been this sober since birth.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
