the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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