hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
