Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
