They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
