Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was born a porn star she said
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
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The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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