i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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