So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
