Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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