my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Church boner. Awkwardddd
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
