my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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