he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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